Dear Cuties,
Where do I begin in sharing what this new season has been like, and how it all unfolded?
While the past few months have been a blur, there are a few key moments that seem to be crystal clear in my mind, and that are worth sharing with you now. Here they are:
Reaching for the towel after my late night bathtub soak and feeling the curiously sharp tug in my armpit. The sense of panic creeping up my neck when I palpated, and felt a lump in my armpit.
Crying in bed with your dad after we both felt the lump in my breast, filled with unspoken worry and fear that everything we knew and loved could change. Feeling the love in my heart for him, all of you, all of life, swell in my chest and threaten to choke me. The flood of tears, kisses and our tight embrace. Our intimacy feeling like a renewal of our vows, and falling asleep with your dad’s arms wrapped around me, feeling that somehow, everything could be okay, hoping we were simply overreacting rather than responding to the quiet whispers of intuition.
Tears streaming down my face on the examination bed as the ultrasound tech and her instructor took far too long in measuring and evaluating my breast, filled with a dreadful sense of knowing. Staring at the butterfly decoration placed on the ceiling and thinking of my Mama Estela, feeling thankful for the reminder of her, and silently calling upon her for strength.
Driving home through a mess of tears and heartbreak after calling your dad to share how the radiologist confirmed in so many words that this looked like one thing and one thing only, feeling like our whole world was falling apart.
Then, in the midst of all the sadness and terror, a message of grace.
I was home alone after my appointment, overwhelmed and exhausted from the emotional downfall of the day, when I turned to my phone and started scrolling through social media, needing to just disassociate for a bit. I started mindlessly flipping through reels of recipes, home decor, and parent humor, not knowing what I was searching for, when a reel from the movie ‘Evan Almighty’ started playing.
In the scene, Evan’s wife is eating alone at a restaurant, picking at her food sadly. Unbeknownst to her, she is approached by God, who appears as a busboy. They have a short conversation about prayer, wherein he explains how prayers work, saying that when you ask God for something specific, like courage or love, He doesn’t simply fill your veins with that emotion or quality, but rather gives you the opportunity to grow into it. As I watched the reel, it felt like someone had placed a warm heavy blanket over my shoulders, and I felt absolutely cloaked in peace.
In that moment, I realized that this diagnosis and path we were facing, as hard as it may be, could be the opportunity I didn’t realize I had been praying for.
For years, I had been praying to God, asking Him to make me His instrument, to fill me with purpose, to bring me closer to Him. I prayed asking Him to help me love more deeply, to be filled with gratitude. I had been praying for patience, and I prayed for strength. The truth is, I had been feeling burnt out and unlike myself for months. I knew I needed to change things, to return to the habits and rhythms that served me well, but couldn’t seem to snap out of my funk. As strange as it may sound, I think God knew that it would take something big to help me correct course, and slow me down enough to finally do the work I needed to do to make all that possible.
All I know, is that day it felt like a channel opened between me and that higher power. I knew deep in my bones for the first time in years that I wasn’t alone, and that there could be holy purpose in this path. I also knew that I had to see this next chapter in my life for all it could be; a lesson in courage, patience, love, discipline, gratitude and grace. I knew that this was something to learn from. I am not angry or bitter about having cancer, because I feel in my hear that there will be both hard and good things that will come, with lessons learned along that way that I hope to pass down and share with you and others. I don’t know where this path will lead exactly, but I think that it’s meant to bring me closer to God, and to you all, so for that I can be grateful.
There were many more moments that I hope to share with you; more whisperings from God, more moments of human doubt, fear and worry that we waded through, and thankfully many more silver linings. Today I am home from my third chemo treatment. We have a long road ahead of us, but I am so proud and thankful of how well we have all pulled together as a family so far. Your father and I have been surrounded by love and support from our family and friends. You have been provided and protected, loved and sheltered. I am so thankful to be undergoing this here and now, while you are hopefully young enough for this to be nothing more than a gentle blur in your memories of the time mom was bald and napped a lot. And I can’t wait to sit and share more of this with you in person.
Sincerely,
Mom